January 1, 2018

think of the flowers you plant

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the first of every year i spend a good bit of time reflecting. this year, as the frigid air swirls around outside me, begging to creep in, i sip my coffee with Chopin playing softly on my new record player. as i turn the vinyl over, again, it begins to play and i am comforted by the crisp notes of one of his fourteen waltzes, and reminded of the words i read earlier in rupi kaur's new book the sun and her flowers:

"this is the recipe of life
said my mother
as she held me in her arms as i wept
think of those flowers you plant
in the garden each year
they will teach you
that people too
must wilt
fall
root
rise
in order to bloom"

i am reminded that this life isn't about how perfect your life is, or can be, or how you make it look, because it isn't the good that shapes you into a unique human, the human of you, but it's the scars, the growing pains, the stretch marks, and the burns that make you. it isn't about what people can bring to the table, how people can help you, or what others can do for you, but what you can do for others, what you can bring to the table of this world, and how you can make a difference in helping people through their difficulties.

there's a lot in this life that won't go right. that's been the story of my life for as long as i can remember; not because there weren't any good moments, but because i chose to focus on the negative moments. i chose to look at those as if they were bigger and worse than all the little moments, when i should have been focusing on the genuine moments of joy, when i should have been living, loving, laughing, and not taking a moment for granted. it's given me a new appreciation for my life. for this life.

this past week has been astoundingly growing. i've had more breakthroughs than i've had for most of the year of 2017, and it's been extremely eye opening. it has allowed me to let go of things i was holding onto too tightly, it's shown me ways that i can be grateful, despite hard circumstances, it's given me a fresh perspective not only on this world and the love that it needs to receive, but also about who i am and how i can fit into the mix without being brought down by it. it's shown me the strong and independent woman i am, and it has taught me to hope and dream again. i've learned to trust my instincts, to trust myself, to trust what i know is true, and to not back down from it, but above all else to trust God, to trust His plan for my life, and to grow deeper in Him. for He is the only one i truly owe anything, and when i ask how i am ever to pay it back, He whispers "it's been paid in full."
xo, rn