June 17, 2015

tacenda

summer days.
summer days. summer days.
tacenda, things better left unsaid; matters to be passed over in silence.

i was scrolling through my twitter feed the other day and saw this. it reverberated with me, as this is honestly the way i have lived most of my life. i don't have much time to deal with a problem? oh, i'll push it off, forget about it for now, pass over it with no more than a thought. things happen, things will happen, there's absolutely nothing i can do to change that, so i don't try.

lately, i will be honest, i've been covering up 'taking care of myself' with things more like 'do what will make life easier, doesn't matter what it means or does to you, just do it so that you can keep going'.
usually this means ignoring my own feelings and thoughts on the matter, usually it means grabbing a granola bar instead of sitting down for a meal, usually it means booking myself for the whole day, every day.

i know this isn't healthy, but it also doesn't end. it's like i'm on a roller coaster, and it's stuck just moving, moving, moving. it doesn't slow down, it doesn't end, it just moves. and during that time, you have to push things off, you can't work on them. your problems are small, inconvenient when you speak of them, and insignificant in this time of trouble. they almost seem invisible, but hazy at best. you need to focus on the present, and that is what's moving.

and your dreams. they don't just seem far away, but they seem impossible, unachievable, and as if they dont matter. because, let's be real, when you're on a roller coaster that won't stop moving, there's only one thing you're thinking about, just several different forms: "how do i stop this?", "how do i get off?" "is getting off an option?", and "if i have to live like this forever, what will i do?" 

it can either put your priorities in line, or completely make you question your existence.

and so, while i've been on this 'roller coaster' of sorts, i've been putting off everything else. i focus on getting through the day, and making others happy while doing it.
but at the same time i'm not focusing on my health and well being, or how this is changing myself. i don't focus on stuff that's happening to me, and how living with this is really making my whole situation worse because of the fact that i'm not doing anything about things that are important. i see this stuff happening, but i don't do anything about it.
i put off so much, and putting off taking care of yourself is very not good.

you could say i had a bit of a breakthrough today. it wasn't in a good way at all, and it made me feel hopeless and worthless, but it ended up being ok, because now i realize. 

in no way am i off this coaster, but i realize i need to get off, and i cannot push it off until after my trip, or after summer, or after life slows down (because it won't). i keep telling myself to hold on until then, but i'm scared that will take me too far, and coming back is never easy.

i know that my 'i'm okay's' and my 'i'll be okay's' are complete grasps at hope in a big dark space, they're more for my sanity then actual truth, but i want to turn them into real pieces of hope, something i can hold onto and really, truly mean when i say it to someones face instead of looking down at whatever i happen to be working on.

no more tacenda, more honesty with myself. no more only pleasing others to get by, more standing up for myself. less moving moving moving, more taking care of myself.

so, all in all, i could really use some prayers and encouraging words, i guess. so if you want to hit me up, my email is right up in the sidebar. i love you all so much! 
xo, rn