May 1, 2016

cold as stone

today i was looking back through my drafts, posts i had started but never finished, for one reason or another. i knew i would come upon this one, because i remember distinctly writing it. i remember how hopeless i felt, i remember the exact feelings i was maneuvering my way through while i was writing this post. i remember how i was so ready to give up, how i saw absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel.
and the thing that kills the most, is that this post wasn't the start or the end of it. it had been gradually coming for over two years before this post, and it didn't really start getting better until around four months later, in fact, it actually got much worse before it got better.

this post was only one of many pieces i wrote in an attempt to cope. i have many pages full of hopelessness and despair, tears of frustration and hurt, things that no one would ever wish upon anyone, yet so many people are feeling them and experiencing them. that was the most difficult, but also most rewarding trial i have ever experienced. i am the person i am today because of the person i was then, even if i cannot relate to them, even though they made so many stupid mistakes, even though i am still so ashamed of who i was then.

i had wanted to share this post for quite awhile now, because who i was then is so important to who i am now, i want people to understand what i was going through so that they can understand better who i am now, because, whether i like it or not, that experience shaped and changed my whole life, and i know that i can tell my story and people will better understand, but that's nothing to the influence of actual pieces written during that time. you can't fake the words written during a true trial, and in an effort to better come to peace with my past, here's a raw post from the thick of it.

also, if you are going through something that even sounds vaguely familiar to what is written below, go find someone to talk to. i know it's actually the last thing you want to do, i know that you feel like you would rather die than do that, i've been there, i know what that is like, but know that people do care. i don't want you to put up an excuse or reason you have against that statement because it is just a lie and you do actually need help. even though you're in the pitch black of it, there is light at the end of that tunnel, but you can't reach it on your own. reach out so that you can begin healing. it's not going to be easy, but you can be happy again, and you deserve that.

as a side note, this piece was never edited or completed. i had a lot to say then, but after writing what i did, i was too ashamed and depressed to continue, what i had written had completely worn me out and i couldn't go further than i did. i knew i was never going to share it as it was or as i was anyway, so i gave up. my hope is that these words reach someone who needs it.

4.11.15
as i sat looking out that window, i could feel my heart grow cold. it sank like a stone in icy water. something was not right, and i could tell. i didn't want to hate, hate wasn't something i ever was fond of. it pulls and tugs, and you never feel right about anything. but hate it was, and i felt helpless to the cause. 

the trees rolled by. acre after acre. my whole body was icy. this wasn't anger. anger is hot, clammy, oppressive. hate is cold, hard. a feeling of nothingness. like your heart has thrown off it's normal tendencies, and decided to be only a pit. a pit of nothing. hate is something you forget about for a moment, yes. but you can never be happy. hate is nagging, not frustrating or angry, hate is bleak, and black, and dangerous. 

before you know what has happened,  you are a stone statue. when you have let hate reign, there's no room for anything besides. you are not capable of loving anyone or anything. you're good for nothing, your life is a waste. if your life is useless to everyone, why are you living it? why are you here right now? there's only one space for you in this world if you are capable of nothing, and that is in a hole in the ground.

when you believe the lies people say about you, to you, and for you, you will come to hate yourself. things won't be right, and there's no way to turn them around. life is not life without love. when other people strip the love for yourself away from you, you aren't capable of loving anyone else. when your thoughts are so consumed by why you are not good, why you are not worth the good thoughts of others,  why you have no place in this world, you have no other thoughts for the lives and problems of people.
this is the problem with todays society.
xo, rn