May 15, 2015

learning myself || part iv

life. life.life.life. life. life. life.life. life. life.life. life.
i've been wanting to type up a post for a few weeks. it's like that feeling that you have inside you, there's something you want to tell, a story, a poem, a vague sense of something you want to spill out onto paper, but no matter how hard you try, you can't tell that story. the poem doesn't come out, the words don't spill onto the page. i keep trying because writing is a sort of therapy to me. when i'm hurting, it feels like healing.

i have figured that the reason it isn't working is because i'm not entirely unhappy. in fact, i haven't felt this happy consistently for a long while. i'm starting to let go of things, of feelings, of being scared all the time, being scared of being unhappy, of getting into those moods in which i turn into something else. but the problem with that, is that it brings on the fear of it all blowing up in my face and coming back, only ten times worse than before. it's like i can never fully walk away from being scared of myself.

i know right here is where the conclusion of this post goes. the conclusion should be about how i've been working on this, and it's getting better, and i'm improving. but that's not the story i have today. i have been working on it, i try not to be afraid of myself, i've been trying for quite awhile. but the truth is, it hasn't improved at all. i still don't know the why's and the how's, i just know that it's part of my everyday life, and that's how it's meant to be. i'm not giving up, i will keep fighting, but i just haven't gotten there yet, and it hurts to try so hard all for nothing, to put so much of yourself into something only to see nothing come out of it.

but i know that this isn't the end of my story yet, i haven't given up, and i'm not going to. i've fought this long and hard, and i'll keep fighting because i know that i deserve that of myself.
xo, rn