October 10, 2013

This isn't just a normal update post. it's an explanation and something i dont know.

before i start, let me say that this was an extremely hard post to actually publish. and it may not be up for long. it totally depends on how i feel in the morning.
Rachel Nicole

i heard it was a good idea to actually go and write a post that shows that the writer of a blog really isn't all that perfect and has rough spots and things just don't always go correctly or as you always imagined they would.
in other words, to really sit back and get real with the readers.
so that's what this is.
if something's off, its because i'm not going to be editing this post at all.
you see, for more than a couple years i've had this really confusing time of my life. overall i'd say it's good, and i wrote in my journal the day before my 16th birthday that this was probably my best year yet (but maybe that's just because the few years before that were so rough, and i never want to look back at those years)
but being real, those few years that i hate so much were so good for me. they've shaped me, and molded me into who i am now. and even though i am the least favorite fan of those years, i'm still thankful for them.
back to the topic though.
these past couple years have been confusing. it feels like i'm swimming. i'm stuck in this current that just keeps taking me, and as hard as i try, i just can't get myself out of it. i'm staying afloat, but it's not been easy.
more than once i've yelled to myself about how i cant change even though i really want to.
i wouldn't say i'm happy about where i am, and i wouldnt say im upset about it either.
and i know its because my mood swings are so weird.
this isn't a sad post, but i'm crying.
that's actually been happening a lot this past year. when i see myself, pictures, or a video... its like all of a sudden i can't see myself without crying.
you may have read this post.
 guys, i'm trying, really trying to love myself as i should. (not love, but you know what i mean)
i'm sad to say that even though sometimes it may not seem like it, i am really REALLY self-conscious.
i dont show the extent of it, ever.
sometimes i'm okay with how i look or what i'm doing.
and other times i am really mad at myself for how i look, why everyone looks better, and why i don't try harder.
it's exhausting. 
i'm sure many of you can relate.
these wars you have with yourself...
well, i have them too.
and its not fun.
i know its not worth it.
but there is absolutely nothing i can do about it, it seems.
i don't mean to make this a pity party for myself, i'm just trying to be real with you, and talk about some things that i just dont talk about.
moving on.

Rachel Nicole

i have many secrets. i'm sure everyone does as well as me.
but i dont share them.
i dont feel as if i have someone i can share them with.
i keep them tucked away, and when it gets bad, i either just spend time alone, or, if that's not possible, i fake it. i've gotten pretty good at it, and i dont like that.
because that's not really how God designed us.
one of the reasons He made Eve, was so that Adam could have someone to talk to. not just normal everyday conversations. real, deep, personal talks.
and that's what He meant for other people as well, and i'm sure its refreshing and satisfying. but i wouldn't really know.
and the worst thing is, i don't want to know. i don't want other people to know my deepest thoughts. i don't want to share everything in my life with other people. i convince myself that no one cares, and even if they genuinely do, i shy away from it for some unknown reason. unknown to them and to me.
most of my friends are better friends with at least one of my sisters.
maybe thats a blessing, maybe thats a curse.
but i dont feel like i can share with them because of that.
so i dont
the other friends are just that, friends. not secret sharing friends.
and the couple friends i feel i could share with either live far away from, or wouldn't work out. not yet.
and so you see all these conflicting thoughts, youve just read them, and you can probably make as much sense out of them as I can.
i'm just going to write it out right now.
i dont mind how this all is right now. i dont really mind not having someone to share things with, because i feel it would be awkward. i don't really want opinions on what you think i can do to remove this from my life, because i don't have much of a problem with it.
so because of that fact, i will be turning comments off for this post.
if you really feel led say something, you can email me (i really love getting emails, so don't feel like its a bother).

Rachel NicoleRachel Nicole

there is one point in my life where i'm so unsure. i've done so much for it, trying to do work it out in my head, figuring it out, never figuring it out, being back at step one, trying to get to step two, failing, trying, and have just have run out of anything to do with it.
i had been praying about it, but recently ive just given the whole thing to God, because i'm just so tired of pursuing it not knowing what to do, and because He is all knowing and He loves me more than anyone, and He cares about all my problems more than anyone ever possibly could, and because He knows what the conclusion will be, and he will work out all the details with or without me "helping", i've decided to try to get completely out of the way, and let Him do what needs to be done.
because, being real, what's going to happen will happen in His time end of story.
why exhaust myself trying to figure it out when obviously He doesn't think it's the right time for me to figure it out.
I've given it to Him, and trusting and praying that I will be ready when He gives an answer. and just by doing that, its been a great lift off of my back.
of course, it took a while to get to this point. it always does.
i'm a stubborn sinner and feel that i know whats best for me, even though i obviously dont. and i try to get it to work for me, and when it doesn't, i turn to God and ask Him why He is doing this to me.
And because He is so good, He picks me up, fills me up again and tells me that He has it under control. All i have to do is wait on Him.
Time and time again, He renews me, and I just throw it back up in His face when He is taking too long only to realize that what He is doing is the right thing, and that i have become too selfish. 
But His grace never fails, guys. It NEVER fails. He's always patient, forgiving, and kind.
And as undeserving as I may be, He will always be there for me. and He will never run out of grace.
thank you all for reading, and i hope maybe you could take something away from this that is helpful to you.

just one more thing i'm going to retell you.
i did turn the comments off for this post.
i dont want anything written on it, but i would like to know if you liked it or not, and what you thought of it, so if you did read it, and would want to tell me what you thought, emailing me would be the way to go. (click here)
xo, rn