It's based on Lamentations 3:22-23. God has been laying it on my heart this whole year. Mornings when I didn't want to get up, when it just felt too hard to go on, evenings when I felt I was of no consequence anywhere or to anyone. God always reminded me of this verse and the fact that He was present and there for me, and that His love and mercy, His compassion and grace, His redemption and forgiveness is all I need.
When I was adding photos beside my bed, I knew I had to incorporate this somewhere, and then I got really enthusiastic with my new Illustrator skills and kept making them. (I honestly can't choose between them). Which one is your favorite? Which verse has He been laying on your heart this year?
life is weird. you think you have everything figured out for so long, years even, and then in one short realization, you could be one hundred percent wrong, and it's scary, the thought of building your life upon that, and then it's actually nothing. your world comes crashing down.
and then, after you decide that you've got to do something, you try, and mostly it just brings pain. that pain that feels like your heart is being ripped in half, and you don't exactly know what to do. so you cover it up, saying "i need to focus on other stuff, or i'll go insane".
"i'll deal with it later." you promise yourself, but before you realize it, covering it up, and pushing it off, that only makes it harder when the 'dealing with it' comes. something i will promise you, is that it's no good to promise yourself you'll deal with something later. especially not something having to do with your heart.
because then you start becoming immune to feeling anything. it starts slowly, you won't realize it at first. it's a long process, but you realize it when someone asks you something about how you're feeling, and you don't know how to respond, because you don't even know what you're feeling. your brain can't process it and then make it into words anymore, and the only way to reverse that, is to deal with that pain, that hurt. and it's hard. really hard, and it hurts. it hurts a lot.
dress (on clearance!) || cardigan: American Eagle || rings
i recently bought this dress, and i'm just so in love with it. it's really quite perfect for fall, and i have so many cardigans that can match it. i guess that's just how it is with fall colors, because i totally got them covered in my wardrobe...
autumn is by far my favorite fashion season (and honestly, just season in general). jeans, boots, warm sweaters... everything is cuter in autumn. (also, Starbucks warm drinks again, gahh!) i mean, i'm just saying i love autumn.
wow. lots of time has passed and i haven't shared much of my life in there.
well, i finally got my photography site up and running (pretty stoked about that even if it's only temporary), i've learned that i really do like fashion, so i'm wanting to incorporate more of that into this little space (i'll be posting a fashion post from a couple months ago very soon), i'm going to Europe next summer (!!!), and i'm also principal of my orchestra again (well, it's kinda exciting to be the first principal violist in this group, because this is the particular groups' first year...!), i've begun tweeting... (again...), oh, and i'm working on revamping my design site (and even created an Etsy for it), i've been getting some great photography opportunities (the Lord is so good to me!), i've passed the hump (i hope) of bad and scary school days (and it's going really well!), my instagram is something i am now very proud of (maybe this isn't so good... but it makes me happy), and most importantly, although it may be very hard, God is showing me that He is in control (and also that He hasn't forgotten about me; no, not at all).
you know that feeling where you're constantly trying to get just a little bit ahead, and it's going well, and then all of a sudden you hit the deep end, and then you're a little behind, so you try to catch up, and you don't know what's going on, but you can't do it, and then you just fall more behind, and things just keep getting worse, and things get harder, and you second guess everything, you wonder why your life took this turn when you weren't expecting it, and you're wondering how you're going to get through?
// honestly i'm not sure why i chose this photo. i guess it's because whenever i think happy, i always think this photo. maybe because i look happy, or because that time was such a happy time for me. i'm not even really sure why i like it. my mind is telling me that i hate it, but my heart feels like a familiar place when i see it. just one of those unresolved images, i suppose. //
no longer will we have sticky hot days where you tend to stay in the air conditioning, where you may end up in the pool to keep cool, where sticky popsicle juice is on every face you nanny, where the wind isn't exactly completely comfortable, where the thought of going out in the rain isn't quite as romantic, where rolling down that car window may not be the option you want to go with, where bare feet were a must, but now may not seem quite ideal.
no longer will you sleep with the covers off, and the window open, hoping for many breezes to find their way through the screen, no longer will you be able to stay up until three am every night (no, not for a whole 9 months...), no longer will night swimming even be thought of in anyone's head, no longer will ice cream, or iced drinks be had on the porch in the evening. no longer will the thought of getting up early be exciting, as the days are getting shorter, and the mornings are getting darker.
yes, summer has come to an end, but that doesn't mean anything will be forgotten. this summer was full. not of anything in particular, good, bad, many things. but it was very full.
i'm not sad it has come to an end, either. for autumn is my favorite season, and i've started a new season in my life.
// let's hope it's a good one. //
(this post is a bit overdue, should have been written and posted four weeks ago, but alas, that never happened.)
one day a few weeks ago (like before school started) my sister and i were talking. i was getting ready to go out to get the mail when i noticed a cat staring at me. (mind you, it was a very big surprise to me. i was not nearly so calm) being allergic to cats like i am, i immediately aborted the said mission of getting the mail. my sister was needing to leave for work, so she went out the back.
i was then faced with a difficult decision. i had no idea who this cat belonged to, and it was meowing so pitifully. it had a collar and a tag, but being on the other side of the door, there was no way for me to see what that collar said. thus, two decisions faced me. either 1) face my fears and go outside and see who that cat belonged to, or 2) leave the cat and just continue with my daily activities, while thinking of how much of a horrible person i was, while this cat continued meowing.
of course there were pros and cons to both.
the cat didn't appear to be leaving anytime soon. it was just sitting there waiting for me. and also meowing very convincingly.
of course, i had no idea where this cat came from. it seemed domestic and very sweet and it had a collar, and was obviously used to people. but also, i only remember ever being allergic to cats, and it might contaminate me and i could have sneezing fits for days.
eventually my family (over group text) convinced me to go outside and see who this cat belonged to, to search for a number, and to call it. i grabbed some shoes (in case it scratched or something...?) and of course my camera (i wasn't missing this opportunity for anything).
fully convinced this was a mission i could embark on, i went out the back door and stealthily made my way to the front porch. the cat immediately came over by me, and meowed. after much petting, i finally came to see that the cats name was caramel, and that yes, the collar did indeed have a number on it... but then i realized i was home alone and had no idea who these people were. again, a difficult decision clouded my thoughts.
i conversed with my family over group text again, but by this time they were just goofing around and giving emoji high fives, which wasn't helpful in the least in my current predicament. i finally called my mother and she explained that the cat wasn't a new visitor, that, in fact, it was there before she had left with the younger children. i then asked if i could carry on with my life without feeling guilty about not calling this number. she said yes, so i decided to go on in. but of course as soon as i was inside, caramel decided that she wanted me back out there, so she meowed and meowed, and she was so darling, and sweet, and i knew that i loved her very much.
everything i did, caramel was there watching. i felt very sad indeed about what i was doing to the poor feline. i spent a bit more time out with caramel, and then went in and downstairs so as to not hear the poor dear.
this all worked very well, except for the fact that now i wish i had stayed, because i miss her very much.
thankful i live in a country where opportunities like going to school are possible. i'm thankful i live in a country where i'm free to speak about anything. thankful i live in a country where i can have a relationship with my savior, and proclaim it openly without fear of getting killed or tortured. thankful i live in a country where my life isn't in danger every day. thankful i live in a country where people love the USA so much, that they would give their lives to protect it.
this post is going out to all of those people. those people who have died, and those who risk their lives daily, to protect this land and all that it stands for.
finally. honestly that's how i feel right now. sixteen was a really hard year for me, and i'm really ready for something different. i'm not saying that seventeen will be any different, but it has a lot of possibilities.
today was great. i spent the morning at school, went shopping with a friend (found an adorable dress, two scarves, a canvas of Audrey (extra yay!), and some hair bows.), then went home, took some portraits, dinner, visit from my grandparents, took a few more photos with my brother as the photographer (you know, put the settings all correct, then hand it to them. they always love helping!), because the lighting was just soperfect. i then showered and edited these photos. writing this post up, then getting my stuff ready for tomorrow. it's been great.
but today was also one of those days where it's cool in the morning and early afternoon. perfect weather, i'd say. it then got a bit hot, but cooled down perfectly for the evening. one of those days where you just want to relax outside. it's too cool to swim, but warm enough to dip your hand in. perfect for scarves and a summery outfit. perfect for my birthday.
if today was a peek into the opportunities and possibilities of this coming year, i'm all for it.