February 27, 2015

bunny rabbit

you know those days in class when it's just so boring and you need to do something? yeah, i know those days. i had one of those days... like maybe five days this week? okay, maybe actually three. but during those times i sometimes like to open illustrator on my school computer and just create. guys, that's such a nice thing to do. the other day i made this bunny. i have more i'll probably be sharing scattered in between all my other posts. (and i haven't forgotten about the princess project, either!)
xo, rn

February 24, 2015

starbucks date .002

starbucks date .002 starbucks date .002starbucks date .002 starbucks date .002starbucks date .002
today has been lovely so far. there's just something about coming to starbucks that just motivates and excites me. i see all these individuals come in, they all have a purpose and they're all driven. they've come to get things done, and they're doing it. the atmosphere is just not replaceable, and that's one of my very favorite things about coming here.

i came with a dear friend today. she's in college and has lots to study, so we decided that it might be nice to spend some time together while getting things done. my studying didn't take too long today, which was fantastic. i decided on a decaf vanilla cappuccino. so very delicious.

last week after i posted this, i got an interesting comment. i'd always wondered what i would do if i got a comment like that, and i always thought i'd just shrug it off and it wouldn't bother me. 
well. that didn't really happen. it definitely bothered me, and i couldn't shake it off until i actually replied to it.

i'm not sure. i guess it just kind of blew me away that someone would actually say that they thought the writer was being fake when they don't know them. like, think it all you like, but actually put it into words and post it? i don't know. i guess some people i will never fully understand.
but last week is over (oh, so thankful!), and i'm determined to make this week better. what are some of your current thoughts?
xo, rn

February 17, 2015

starbucks date .001

starbucks date 001. starbucks date 001.starbucks date 001.
here i am sitting in starbucks. i've completed all my homework goals, while listening to the hum of various conversations, the baristas making drinks, and some of my very favorite, hand selected, playlists. i'm feeling very productive, as getting that homework done is always like pulling teeth for me when i'm at home. i'm thinking it might be a good idea to add a starbucks date to my weekly schedule.

i just finished a decaf tiramisu cappuccino. this is the first coffee i've had for one and a half months. i'm off most caffeine beverages because recently i've found out that i have a well-advanced case of tmj, and caffeine is not helpful for my jaw. not having coffee has been hard, but maybe not quite as difficult as i thought it would be. not having caffeine has been more of a challenge, as i know i had become quite accustomed to having it help me get through every day, and not having that extra burst of energy has made life... different. 

my homework took a little over an hour, and not having many distractions was so helpful. i used to try to put my phone and computer out of reach and tell myself i couldn't use it at all until my goals were met. i must say that was quite a bad idea, and have let myself use it for short periods of time every so often. this plan, i will admit, is more effective. and now that i have some extra time, i am planning on using it to just reevaluate myself and my life.

recently i've become very frustrated with things i do. even occasionally to the point where i can't even stand being around myself, in a way. i'm hoping to use this time to come up with a new plan for how to live life more willing and ready to listen to God at all points, but it's so hard when you don't feel like you have any control over what you do, and you're honestly unsure where that control is. i do believe that God gives you control over parts of your life, and he uses the decisions you make to either show you how much you need him, or to bring him glory. and, in a way, i feel like i'm lacking that, and i'm not sure where that is.

i guess the point of this post, my friends, is to ask for prayers. many things are happening, and i can handle knowing them, but i feel like i can't deal with them because this is a whole new area, and i have no experience. i'm praying for wisdom in this period of time, and would greatly appreciate any prayers from you dear people. and at the same time, i ask that you put a prayer request for yourself below. i know how much pain there can be, and i know how you can make yourself immune to it so that you don't feel anything. i know how difficult those times can be, and i know some of you are going through either of these emotions (and even others), and i would dearly love to add you to my prayers, as the fact that someone cares and is praying can bring so much comfort to getting through the day. you don't have to go into detail, i highly understand the feeling of not wanting to do that, but i urge you to at least put something down there.

let us pray for each other, and praise God together, friends.
xo, rn

February 12, 2015

learning myself || part iii

self portraits
self portraitsself portraits self portraitsself portraitsself portraitsself portraitsself portraits
it's been awhile since i've done one of these, and things have even changed substantially since that last time. i've found that learning myself will never come easy because i'm constantly changing. one day i may wake up thinking i love one thing, and the next week i may find that it was only a small interest, and it no longer holds much value.

lately lots has been changing, and dealing with it all has been extremely difficult. i'm not sure where to start, or where i'm going, or why i'm doing what i'm doing. i constantly find myself wondering who i am, why i'm such an idiot, or why i have to be who i am. and these thoughts aren't good, and i'm ashamed to admit that i think them quite often. i'm constantly putting myself down because i did something wrong, and there's no way i'll be able to get out of it now. i beat myself up about things that are of little consequence in the long run, i remind myself of times where i made a mistake, and i tend to dwell on those things much longer than i need to, and it isn't until i go to Jesus when things start looking up.

and i don't know why i don't do it more often, because he always reminds me that i'm not strong enough, brave enough, or good enough, but that he is, and that i need to rely on him to lead me through this rough terrain. and that's so reassuring to my heart, because no, i won't ever be good enough at anything to be perfect, but thats okay, because i'm a child to the creator of the universe, and i'm meant to be because of him. he knows everything about my future. he knows how i will mess up, he knows how i will say the wrong things, but he reminds me that his plan is greater than any of those things.

yes, i do constantly berate myself for things that aren't a big deal, i put myself down for things that are in my past,
but the greatest thing of all is that God knows about those, and even the things i can't remember, and he has promised me that it will be okay, and that his love and redemption are greater than any of them.

xo, rn