February 17, 2015

starbucks date .001

starbucks date 001. starbucks date 001.starbucks date 001.
here i am sitting in starbucks. i've completed all my homework goals, while listening to the hum of various conversations, the baristas making drinks, and some of my very favorite, hand selected, playlists. i'm feeling very productive, as getting that homework done is always like pulling teeth for me when i'm at home. i'm thinking it might be a good idea to add a starbucks date to my weekly schedule.

i just finished a decaf tiramisu cappuccino. this is the first coffee i've had for one and a half months. i'm off most caffeine beverages because recently i've found out that i have a well-advanced case of tmj, and caffeine is not helpful for my jaw. not having coffee has been hard, but maybe not quite as difficult as i thought it would be. not having caffeine has been more of a challenge, as i know i had become quite accustomed to having it help me get through every day, and not having that extra burst of energy has made life... different. 

my homework took a little over an hour, and not having many distractions was so helpful. i used to try to put my phone and computer out of reach and tell myself i couldn't use it at all until my goals were met. i must say that was quite a bad idea, and have let myself use it for short periods of time every so often. this plan, i will admit, is more effective. and now that i have some extra time, i am planning on using it to just reevaluate myself and my life.

recently i've become very frustrated with things i do. even occasionally to the point where i can't even stand being around myself, in a way. i'm hoping to use this time to come up with a new plan for how to live life more willing and ready to listen to God at all points, but it's so hard when you don't feel like you have any control over what you do, and you're honestly unsure where that control is. i do believe that God gives you control over parts of your life, and he uses the decisions you make to either show you how much you need him, or to bring him glory. and, in a way, i feel like i'm lacking that, and i'm not sure where that is.

i guess the point of this post, my friends, is to ask for prayers. many things are happening, and i can handle knowing them, but i feel like i can't deal with them because this is a whole new area, and i have no experience. i'm praying for wisdom in this period of time, and would greatly appreciate any prayers from you dear people. and at the same time, i ask that you put a prayer request for yourself below. i know how much pain there can be, and i know how you can make yourself immune to it so that you don't feel anything. i know how difficult those times can be, and i know some of you are going through either of these emotions (and even others), and i would dearly love to add you to my prayers, as the fact that someone cares and is praying can bring so much comfort to getting through the day. you don't have to go into detail, i highly understand the feeling of not wanting to do that, but i urge you to at least put something down there.

let us pray for each other, and praise God together, friends.
xo, rn

10 comments:

  1. i feel like you're pretending to be something you're not. you add all this dramatic flair to your writings but it doesn't seem natural at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. its been awhile since i've got a comment like this, and i must say, i did take it for granted.

      i don't mind when people say their feelings, as honestly, everyone has feelings and opinions and thats totally a good thing. but when your feelings about myself include you saying that i'm pretending to be who i am, honestly, no, that's just not right.

      let me backtrack for a moment. yes, i am very confused with my life and my own feelings and how i feel and what i do and why i do things, but when it comes down to the bottom of it, i still know more about myself than you ever will. so why do you feel like you need to tell me that i'm pretending to be something i'm not and that what i write about myself isn't natural?

      i don't care if you don't believe me when i write about myself, and if you feel like I'm pretending about my whole life, well, then thats fine. i don't care what your feelings are on myself because i know what i'm writing are thoughts and feelings i actually do feel. yes, i'm confused about them, and putting them into words that i feel i can post is extremely difficult, but when i do it, it helps me so much.

      so, feel whatever you like, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make your life any better or easier when you tell a person they're fake when you don't even know them.

      xx, rn

      Delete
    2. You replied to anon so so well. And I just want to let you know that i've been at that place where life is confusing and people thinking you're faking just for "dramatic flair." Don't let people confuse you, don't even let you confuse you. I'll be praying for you, and really, the only person you should let write your story is God. Continue to be strong; this too shall pass. You will look back at this and see only the good that came from it. My prayers and best wishes are with you xxx.

      Delete
    3. you don't know how much i needed to hear that, Elisabeth. thank you thank you thank you for your prayers and encouragement today.

      xx, rn

      Delete
  2. Amen!

    I'll be praying for you, and for peace. God never ceases to be good. ♥

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you! i will be praying for you, Adelaide!

      xx, rn

      Delete
  3. Beautiful words, Rachel! I'll be praying for you! xx

    imsarahgrace

    ReplyDelete
  4. hey rachel! i was wondering if you have a button i could put up on my blog? praying for you <3

    megann

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i dont! you could just borrow my header image and use it for a button if you really wanted to, but other than that, i'm sorry!

      thank you so much!

      xx, rn

      Delete

yes, you have a beautiful soul.