September 3, 2015

eighteen

september 3rd 2015
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If I was going to be really honest with you right now, I would tell you that things haven't been any easier. Hardly ever will a day past where I won't break down over something and just sob. At least once a week I'll have a ranting session in my car. I pray out loud in my car almost every day, and crying out to God happens at least twice daily. I feel so much anger all the time, and I know it's not healthy. I know I will fall into my old habits, and I've already started. I'm constantly asking Him to take it away, I ask Him why I'm feeling this when I've never really had problems with it before. I wonder why I can't just dive into my Bible and pray it away. Obviously there are still lessons I need to learn, but I'm finding that they are so, so difficult.

But, even so, God has been doing great things. He's been showing me so much about Himself. His unending and all sufficient love, His mercy, compassion, redemption (oh, yes, His redemption), and so many other things. But most of all, He has been showing me His unfailing grace. This is something I cannot live without every second of every day. I mess up all the time. I get mad at so many things I probably shouldn't be. I hate so many things, especially about myself. About how I am right now, about how I do things and how I compare myself to others. I'm constantly comparing. But  something I have been learning is that He is good, even when nothing else seems to be. All the time. All the time. All the time.

In other news, today is my 18th birthday. It's weird, I guess. In one way it seems like I've only actually lived half of those years because time seems to be going so quickly. But then in other ways it seems like I've lived twice that. Life isn't easy, it isn't meant to be. That's why we have Jesus, that's why Jesus came to save us, that's the whole story of the Bible. We need Jesus, without Him we will never be able to make it, we will never be able to solve our problems. We won't ever feel complete or completely happy. Life will never be worth anything without Him.

He is good, please don't forget that. I know what it's like to have a foggy day, or a foggy week, or even a foggy year. I'm living that right now, too. But really, go to Jesus. Go to Him and He can help you. He's not going to change everything right away, but He will help you. And I hold fast to that promise.

xo, rn
ps- this post with images of me is actually a tradition of mine. See previous years:
2014 2013 2012 2011

12 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this, Rachel! I needed to hear this. I've been having such a busy, stressful year. I'll be praying for you as well. <3
    On a happy note: Happy eighteenth birthday!!! p.s. You are gorgeous!

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    1. i feel you, girl!

      thank you so much, prayers to you!

      xx, rn
      ps- you are too sweet! 😘

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  2. Oh my goodness, these photos are absolutely gorgeous!!! And you my dear are absolutely flawless:) Happy birthday!!!! I hope that 18 is the best year yet:)
    xoxo
    Grace Anne // http://totallygraced.blogspot.com/

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    1. thank you so much, Grace! you are so cute, thank you thank you!

      xx, rn

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  3. Happy 18th Birthday dear ;) hope you had a wonderful day, and I'll be praying for you <3

    xoxo,
    megann

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    1. aw, thank you, Megann! you're too kind!

      xx, rn

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  4. Happy birthday! I hope that you will get through the fog soon, and know that I am here for you. (: Sometimes I find myself getting mad at things too when I shouldn't be, and that is when I take a step back and think that getting mad isn't going to help solve the problem, it's only going to make things worse. We are all still learning, and controlling anger is one of them. x

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    1. so so true. thank you for that. and thank you for the birthday wishes!

      xx, rn

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  5. Happy (belated) birthday! I hope you're feeling better by now. I know how you feel: I've gone through moments of extreme anger and sadness too, and sometimes the best thing is just to accept that it will be over soon. I know we don't really know each other, but if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. :)

    I love that tradition, though! Who took the pictures? They're amazing! And you are so gorgeous! I would kill for your hair. :)

    x Yasmine
    Cloudy

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    1. thank you, Yasmine!

      i have on and off good times. it's mostly been bad lately overall, but this past week had been pretty good, i guess... thank you for your kindness!

      i got the settings on my camera just how i wanted them and gave the camera to my brother to snap some quick shots, haha.

      thank you so much, my friend! you are too sweet. :)

      xx, rn

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  6. not even going to lie i'm stalking your blog now and rereading all your beautiful old posts because why the heck not? (muahaha)

    i don't know how i missed this, but it's a glorious account of how God works to speak through blog posts to people sitting halfway across the world. i needed this today, and this? -> "I wonder why I can't just dive into my Bible and pray it away." nailed it. but i guess sometimes we have to realise God lets us walk through certain tough things to show us He is tougher. sometimes, He says "no." and that's part of the life that belongs to us Christians.

    ((i didn't manage to wish you, but happy (VERY LATE) 18th birthday and merry Christmas darling)) xx

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    1. bahah, this is the best thing ever (but please don't go back too far...)

      yes! i couldn't agree more. He only has the best in mind for us.

      and thank you so much! i hope this year is filled with an unexplainable peace and joy, my dear.

      xx, rn

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yes, you have a beautiful soul.