November 16, 2015

because that's what you know.

calatrava.
this was not the  editing style i had in  mind when
 i took  this photograph, no  not at all.  but when
edited it, i decided to be real, and let it reflect my 
actual  feelings, to  strip away that  fake mask of 
completely   unattainable  perfection,  because  i 
know  i   will  never  be   perfect,  and   that's  ok.

it's those moments when you start to feel so alone when that depression starts to show it's ugly face. it comes almost unsuspectingly, and then after a little while of that coming on, it whispers lies to you, and you believe them because that's what you know. you sink deeper and deeper, and all of a sudden you realize that you've gone down that road again, that thing you said you were done with, it sounds like a good idea, those feelings you promised yourself you weren't going to feel again? they're back. those thoughts you said would never cross your mind? they're racing around your brain, and they're enticing to you. it's almost tangible, you can see it right in front of your eyes. you want to hold back, you want to break free, "i was done!", you remind yourself. and then you realize you already said it like it was in the past, and you know you're already all the way there. you do nothing but feel numb, because you've failed yourself yet again. 

while this is all going on, the devil is whispering to you, 'oh yes, i know you were fine yesterday, everything was good... but that was yesterday, and now you feel lonely, like no one cares for you... because they really don't. you aren't worth a thought or a word. no text or message to say they care, because they don't. you're a bother to everyone you meet, and that's how it should be, because you are worthless. so come on, you know this will make you feel better.' 

and you go, because that's what you know. because you don't have enough strength to say no, because the idea has been planted and grown. all in just a few moments, you're so far down that road that going back seems impossible, because you know the alternative will work for you, because you've done it so many times before. it's that bad habit that you've tried so hard to break because you hate it. but you know, deep down, that you really actually love it, and it makes you feel, it gives you some control in a life that is so weighted down by things you can't control, like what others must think about your life, and the feelings that are happening but you can't suppress.

and the next morning you wake, it hits you like a ton of bricks. it was a bad idea, and you realize now, and you hurt, and you're ashamed. you pick your clothing with great care. people ask, you look away, say it's nothing, it's not a big deal, or you make up some other excuse, almost trying to convince yourself, too. the topic is brought up and immediately you tense up, your mind shuts off, and you reach for whatever your brain locks on first. you can feel eyes on you, but you don't dare look up. they might see, they might know. you feel so ashamed and ruined, but those things can't be changed anymore. the past is the past, you just need to keep moving forward, but it's so hard, and life is so unfair...
xo, rn

6 comments:

  1. i can't claim to know what you're going through right now, because depression hits people in different ways, but i can say this: tell the devil to shut those whispers. he is the father of all lies, and you have the power over him through our Saviour and Lord. i don't know about you, but i find myself in depression when i overthink. because i'm paranoid and self-conscious and excessively worrying over many things (it was worst when i was younger; thank God it got better), i think up lies that i believe. and again, i'm not sure if you're the same way, but just know that i struggle with this many times too, and my prayers are with you <3

    thanks for being so raw and real in this post. and sorry for the mass of words i'm throwing out here, hehe, but darling take care. so much love for you xx

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    Replies
    1. you are a blessing to me, Elisabeth. your words never fail to comfort me. thank you exceedingly for the prayers, and i will be doing the same for you!

      xx, rn

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  2. "no text or message to say they care, because they don't. you're a bother to everyone you meet, and that's how it should be, because you are worthless"

    What even.
    Dear Rachel, yes i am waaaayyyyy behind on my blog feed, but wow i'm so glad that you wrote this, that you posted it, and that i found it, though late i may be. This gets me. This really gets me. And just wow and know that you are defiantly not alone on that road.
    P.S. and i love your random funny and smile filled snapchat stories (yes the app is stupid but yes it's a lot of fun) they make my day.

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    Replies
    1. Abigail, thank you. thank you for that. thank you for your words and your kindness, you are amazing.

      also, what is your snapchat name?! i am so happy that you love them, ahaha, i always feel like maybe it's a little too much. ;-)

      xx, rn

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    2. Thank YOU for this.
      My snapchat username is thatbanjogirl. I found yours through this blog and added you a while back. I struggle with thinking that my stories are too much also, but never be worried about that, yours are rad!

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    3. aw, you are so sweet! thank you! i guess really that's just a common thing that everyone thinks, and everyone shouldn't think. it's yours, so why not just do what you want? (speaking the same for you, love! xx)

      xo, rn

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yes, you have a beautiful soul.