May 15, 2015

learning myself || part iv

life. life.life.life. life. life. life.life. life. life.life. life.
i've been wanting to type up a post for a few weeks. it's like that feeling that you have inside you, there's something you want to tell, a story, a poem, a vague sense of something you want to spill out onto paper, but no matter how hard you try, you can't tell that story. the poem doesn't come out, the words don't spill onto the page. i keep trying because writing is a sort of therapy to me. when i'm hurting, it feels like healing.

i have figured that the reason it isn't working is because i'm not entirely unhappy. in fact, i haven't felt this happy consistently for a long while. i'm starting to let go of things, of feelings, of being scared all the time, being scared of being unhappy, of getting into those moods in which i turn into something else. but the problem with that, is that it brings on the fear of it all blowing up in my face and coming back, only ten times worse than before. it's like i can never fully walk away from being scared of myself.

i know right here is where the conclusion of this post goes. the conclusion should be about how i've been working on this, and it's getting better, and i'm improving. but that's not the story i have today. i have been working on it, i try not to be afraid of myself, i've been trying for quite awhile. but the truth is, it hasn't improved at all. i still don't know the why's and the how's, i just know that it's part of my everyday life, and that's how it's meant to be. i'm not giving up, i will keep fighting, but i just haven't gotten there yet, and it hurts to try so hard all for nothing, to put so much of yourself into something only to see nothing come out of it.

but i know that this isn't the end of my story yet, i haven't given up, and i'm not going to. i've fought this long and hard, and i'll keep fighting because i know that i deserve that of myself.
xo, rn

May 6, 2015

early summer days

Early Summer Days from Rachel Nicole on Vimeo.

so i know it's been a long time since i've shared any of my films, and the reason for that is lame. (like really lame.)
I had taken a whole bunch of clips last year (mostly during the summer), and was going to make multiple videos with them, but then I got a mac, and everything was different, and there were so many clips and i found it all very overwhelming. so i let them sit and didn't allow myself to take much of anything else until i finished those (a very stupid idea, i tell you).
well, over the past weekend i shot some stuff, and i decided to tackle this thing called iMovie and learn how to use it. and i did, and it wasn't hard, and now i've begun working on all those clips from last summer (actually, i'm almost done) and will be sharing them soon.
xo, rn

May 4, 2015

little blue dress

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man wow. this post was just sitting in my drafts, so, so very old. but i thought i might as well share it right now as not. i hope your weather no longer looks anything like this, as ours definitely (and very happily by myself) does not. i'm loving the weather we've been having lately (high 60's low 70's, so perfect!), and i would wish it to never change. but i know it will, and it's ok. (such deep stuff, i know)
xo, rn