February 3, 2016

the day i knew was coming.

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if you follow me on instagram you might have seen this post from yesterday. if you didn't, you should go look at it if you want a backstory.

so i was in my first accident. it wasn't a huge accident, no one was injured, both vehicles drove off the scene, and we didn't even call the police (honestly, i had absolutely no idea what to do). i drove off, went to work thanking God for preserving life during this time. it could have gone so much worse than it did, but God is good and i am so thankful for that. i was definitely in shock, and was pretty off all day, but all throughout the work day, i felt okay. this wasn't the end of the world, i just needed to shake it off. my coworkers were very animated, and that helped so much. however, when i got home from work that day, things went way downhill, and fast. by the end of the day, i felt the weight of the depression that had been creeping up on me all day. i had been praying and praying and praying all day, i needed to shake it off, but i just couldn't.

here's the deal with my depression. i haven't really dealt with it too much, or on the level that it used to be, for a few months now. God has turned my life completely around, and things were going so well. i absolutely love my life and i am so thankful for everything He has done. so basically when my depression started to fade and He brought me into this season, i hadn't figured out how the right way to cope with it, i hadn't figured out a healthy way to deal with it while it's there, and that is why i have been freaking out about it all day yesterday and today. that is why i've been begging God to take it away. i can't go back to that, i can't go back to how it was, yet i know no other way, i have no idea what works for me, and i don't want to trigger something that will make it worse. i am so scared of the power it has over me, because i know that it can be very strong. i experienced some of it last night, and if it gets worse, i know i'll just be sucked down again, and i can't let that happen.

this isn't to say i'm giving in, there is no way i am doing that. i am fighting against it as much as i can by praying, praying, praying... but i can't shake it completely, and i don't know what to do. i hate feeling it, but it's surrounding me and i just feel so helpless in it.

as i try to find my way through this mess, i would definitely appreciate and prayers or advice you may have. i know i really can't go back to the way it was, i absolutely cannot, and nothing in me wants to, but it's pulling on me so hard, and i don't know what to do.

xo, rn

8 comments:

  1. oh darling. i read these words, and my heart breaks. it's a nice cliche to hear people say that they know...about your situation, and what you're going through. but it's hard to swallow sometimes. so i'll skip that part, and go straight to what i do know. our God was over the water before there was a world. He stretched out His fingertips and wrought galaxies made of suns. He imagined hope into hearts that could not evolve feelings on their own.
    sometimes, you don't shake it completely. the grief doesn't go away. the situation doesn't change. and you know that you should be happy, but things keep getting worse. oh, sweet friend. you can't handle anything. and i think that's the place that our hearts begin to heal...with the realization that we can't do anything. if you try to take depression by yourself, you know that you'll be overcome. even the thought of it is too much. the thought of it becoming a problem again. i know that fear.
    but our God formed human hearts too. maybe you doubt that He could've orchestrated these things? because they are too dark and too much and too awful. i've felt the exact same way. but then...i see that there is a way out of darkness. there is something stronger than fear. (which i've been told is the strongest human emotion.)
    "Come, let us return to the Lord.
    He has torn us to pieces, but he will heal us.
    he has injured us,
    but he will bind up our wounds." Hosea 6
    it's shocking to realize that the Lord tears us apart sometimes. but it's also the most wonderful thing in the world. HIS hands are breaking us. and no one knows us, knows our bodies, knows our hearts, like He does. i'll say it again. sometimes, the pain doesn't completely fade. a shadow stays on you. but that shadow is making you beautiful. transforming a heart into something it was not. sanctification is never pretty, love. but it is necessary. and it will turn out, in the very end. i promise. don't be afraid. God is with you. God will always be with you. <3
    all my love,
    addy

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    1. oh addy, thank you for this beautiful piece. thank you for this hope, these words are beautiful and i do hold them dearly.

      though i do know very clearly that this darkness is not of God, i know too well that this is satan's hold on me, i've known this for awhile, and i hate that i still feel led to cling to it.

      but these are words of hope, and i thank you for that. thank you thank you thank you, my love.

      xx, rn

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  2. hey rachel. :)
    let me start off by saying - i'm praying for you! depression is not an easy thing to go through (speaking from personal experience.). so lean. lean on God. lean on his promises. lean on his grace, peace, and overwhelming love. as hard as it seems in the moment, God is faithful. He loves us more then we could ever understand, and for some reason he's allowing this to creep back in. it's not going to be easy, but trust in God. he loves you, and he's not going to let anything you can't take (in his strength of course) come into your life.
    so lemme just leave you with some bible verses and songs m'dear, and i'll be on my way :)
    Phil. 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
    1 Cor. 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
    By Your Side - tenth avenue north
    Worn - tenth avenue north
    Giants Fall - Francesca Battistelli
    pretty much any song by tenth avenue north really encourages me :) <3
    praying for you :)
    xoxo,
    m.

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    1. oh, Megann. thank you so much, my dear. you are too kind and these words are so true. i do look back and see God's hand in everything and know there is a reason for everything i have and am going through, and that is such a comfort.

      thank you so much for this, love!

      xx, rn

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  3. You are so strong for not letting an accident get to you. And you are so strong for saying that you are not going to give in to depression. I believe in you with all my heart, and even though I am not very religious, I do believe in God and I will be praying for you.

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    1. Jenny, you are so sweet. thank you so much for your kind words and your prayers. they are so greatly appreciated!

      xx, rn

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  4. Can I just say how absolutely strong and amazing you are to be going through this and fighting it and praying... It's amazing. You are in my thoughts, dear. <3 You can do this. We believe in you. :)

    Also, can I just say that your eyebrows are fabulous?

    Sending lots of love your way!

    xx Mackenzie

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    1. aw, you are so sweet, my friend!

      ps- thank you so much!

      xx rn

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yes, you have a beautiful soul.