November 10, 2016

it's good to make hard decisions

after work today i decided to take a few moments and think about something i have accomplished. i wasn't going to allow my negative thoughts to cloud my thinking, as i know i've accomplished plenty of things in my life, even if my mind is used to thinking the opposite.

today, the thing i'm most proud of accomplishing is that i am a successful adult. just saying that sounds weird, but it's true. every day i have to get up to an alarm (or 7, in my case), every day i have to get ready and consciously make the decision to continue my education, or continue working hard and earning money to better my future, sometimes, and most often, i make both of those decisions.
throughout the day, i am making decisions on my own. i can choose who helps make those decisions,  but overall, it is my own thinking that is involved.

i do my research, i know what i stand for, i know what i believe in, i know what i value. some of these things were taught to me at a young age, but eventually i had to go out and see what was true for me, some of those things i was taught were reinforced, others were let go of. i am still learning, i am still digging, i am still researching, every day, because i like to know what is going on around me.

most days, i enjoy being an adult. most days i enjoy attending classes, having deep, interesting and insightful conversations with my teachers, coworkers, siblings, friends, elders, and peers. other days i wish i could just stay in bed for a few minutes longer. other days i wish i wasn't so busy that staying up until 2:30am was absolutely necessary, some days are hard, and some days i wish that maybe this was my last day.

the thing is, on those days i can make different decisions. i've found that it's okay to skip a class for health reasons, i have found that it's okay to ask for a day off of work to try to catch up on life stuff, it's okay to let someone know that you can't physically do something with them because you're just so exhausted and in need of some extra time. those decisions are hard to make, but good to make.

i enjoy being an adult, i enjoy thinking for myself, i enjoy being stretched and i enjoy growing, i enjoy learning many different things about the world, about what i believe and why i believe it, and about myself. this is important, and though i definitely don't have it figured out by any means, i have accomplished being a successful adult who makes mistakes, and realizing that making those mistakes is part of the process.
xo, rn

November 3, 2016

dear anon. i don't blame you.

dear, anon. 
you have commented on my blog frequently, always taking the name anon to hide your identity. 
i don't blame you, because after reading, and then deleting, all of your comments, I would not want anyone to know it was me writing those, either.
truth is, i am glad you chose me to hate me weird, but i am. why? because i can handle it. it doesn't bother me like you want it to, and you won't get some hateful reaction back, because i think that you're hurting and the reason you're doing what you do is that you want others to hurt, too.
but about the comment you left on my last post...something was tugging at me to acknowledge it. maybe that's what you've been wanting, maybe that's why you keep coming back, either way, i published that comment, and i responded to is that response: 
hey anon,
no. i don't know who you are, and obviously that is how you want it. you've commented on my site so many times, and every time you never have anything nice to say. at this point, i wonder why you even bother anymore.
the fact that you don't ever have anything nice to say does not bother me like you want it to. i've been dished plenty of crap in my life, and it seems that you are also struggling from that. i am truly sorry, it's not a great feeling, and it hurts.
truth is, i have never been more myself and i do truly love who i am. your words will not reach my heart like you want them to. 
even though i know i don't have to explain myself, i can also say that i have never spent any money on followers in my life, and i never will.
if you do truly mean the words you say, i am sorry you do, but it makes me wonder why you keep up with me. you obviously read my instagram posts and my words here on this blog. i don't know why, but you do. something is making you come back, and maybe you should dig into why that is.
i am here if you would ever like to talk. i would love to help you in any way that i can. 
you have great value. you are so very loved.

xx, rn