December 21, 2016

this is my fight song

fight song

losing friends and i'm chasing sleep
everybody's worried about me
in too deep
say i'm in too deep

As much as I absolutely love Wisconsin, and Milwaukee, I have a feeling that this is not where I'm supposed to be, a feeling that the world holds a lot more for me than I'm giving it credit for, that, in the end, I can't fully be myself as long as I'm here. It's a sad kind of realization because I am very proud to be a Wisconsinite, I'm very proud of my little city of Milwaukee. It's so dear to me, but the truth is, I don't think this is where I'm meant to be at all.

It hit me this morning as I was listening to fight song. This song was one I listened to almost constantly over a year and a half ago when I was going through a lot of stuff. It was, without a doubt, the anthem of my life, and listening to it for the first time in that long, really listening to it, brought back literally everything and it made me think.
Listening to that song was extremely painful. It felt like someone pierced my heart with a sword and left it with a dull ache, but at the same time I had an odd sense of comfort, and the pain wasn't completely bad, there was a tinge of that pain that you almost like, that feels almost good. It hit hard, and left me thinking.

I've tried to make this work for so long, I've had everything and lost everything, and then lost my nothing, and then I lost even the nothingness. Most of the time I don't know where I am or who I am or why I am, and I know that no matter what boundaries I put up, either way the pain will remain, and the truth I found is that it's really just not meant to be. I don't have an option right now, but instead of thinking that I can make things work while I am here, I'm gonna change my mindset to think that when I get out of here, that's when my life will truly begin. It honestly doesn't surprise me and it makes a lot of sense. Too much has happened here. There are too many burdens here that I cannot bear for the rest of my life without living a depressive and overwhelmingly uncontrolled life. I am a free spirit, nomad, wanderlust, and vagabond (adj.) at heart, and I have to surpress so much of that with where I am right now. Being extremely loyal has its costs, too, and it takes such a toll on your life. 

I've started over, in a way, once already. I feel like that was the test to see if I could handle something like this, and I know I am fully capable of it. I've had desires to leave and start over for years now, and it all makes sense, and this morning I realized that, despite the fact that I have always imagined it to be, this is not my home and I can feel that ever so clearly now.
xo, rn
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8 comments:

  1. I feel the same way. I live in Wisconsin as well, and I know that I "belong" somewhere else. I just hope that we will find that place one day. Especially with choosing which college to attend, it is obvious that the cheaper and perhaps more logical choice would be to attend the one in my city. But I want to go somewhere else to "start fresh" if you get what I'm saying. Like, I want to see the world and not just stay in one place for all my life.

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    1. you live in Wisconsin!? where!?

      totally feel you. i had a dream to leave Wisconsin and go away to college, but ended up finding a great community that i adore here. unfortunately much has changed and though i love all of them to death, it's really just hard, and i feel like i need a fresh start as well. but a lot can change, we'll see! stay strong!

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  2. in a way, those painful moments of realization are so good for growth; like right now, you're growing.
    you just realized you're in a place you don't want to be in; so move, girlfriend.
    we have been given an amazing power; the power to reinvent ourselves. over and over and over and over.
    and one day you will come to a place physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally that will just feel like home. you'll know.

    you're on your way, Rachel.

    love you!

    xx

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    1. for sure, i totally see the growth, and it is good. just difficult.
      thank you so much for your sweet words, sarah!

      xx, rn

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  3. okay, firstly, fight song is one of my favourite(est) songs.

    and secondly, i'm reading your words over & over again & i am so proud of the person you've become, the lessons you've learned about yourself, the bittersweet love you feel for home.

    i'm a strong believer that home is the place, the person, the people you make it to be. i want you to know that i am rooting for you. you go girl <3 these things take time, so be painfully honest and raw with yourself & God will guide you through the people & circumstances around you. much love xx

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    1. elisabeth - you, my dear, never fail to encourage me with your words. thank you so much for them, i always hold them dear, and i always get excited when i see your name.

      so much love to you. you are so unbelievably appreciated. the person you are is such a treasure, a true gem.

      xx, rn

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  4. You think you're so desirable and famous but you're not. No one was confused by your Instagrams, that was just you desperately trying to get more followers. You are so obnoxious and weird

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    1. friend, I know that i have great value, and you saying that i don't literally changes nothing, and i am completely unaffected by it.

      my goal is not to become famous, my goal is to be real and honest and help people along my own journey, and despite what you say, i am doing exactly that, and i know it because i get many messages and comments from very lovely people who needed to hear what i needed to say.
      i am not desperately trying to gain more followers, and, yes, many people were confused, i know this because they told me.
      if you feel that way, i'm sorry. i'm not really sure why you're following along my life so closely if you do truly feel that way, but you obviously are. i just hope you can find yourself amongst all of the negative thoughts you share.

      much love to you, rn

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yes, you have a beautiful soul.