February 10, 2016

this is how The Office wins. again.

i have a really long day ahead of me tomorrow, and by long, i mean i actually don't know how i will survive. i'm going to be fasting all day, even though i can only possibly get 4 1/2 hours of sleep if i go to bed right now. but i haven't begun studying for my quiz tomorrow, so it's not even going to be 4 1/2. i'm totally going to be drained, and because of my fasting i can't drink any coffee, and as we all know, coffee is my drug, of which i survive on days like what tomorrow is going to be like.

i don't know if i'm making any sense, but i'm just going to leave this tweet here because this is actually what i feel like right now. i don't know how i am going to make it, but i am determined.

mostly.
xo, rn

February 3, 2016

the day i knew was coming.

IMG_9086IMG_9091
if you follow me on instagram you might have seen this post from yesterday. if you didn't, you should go look at it if you want a backstory.

so i was in my first accident. it wasn't a huge accident, no one was injured, both vehicles drove off the scene, and we didn't even call the police (honestly, i had absolutely no idea what to do). i drove off, went to work thanking God for preserving life during this time. it could have gone so much worse than it did, but God is good and i am so thankful for that. i was definitely in shock, and was pretty off all day, but all throughout the work day, i felt okay. this wasn't the end of the world, i just needed to shake it off. my coworkers were very animated, and that helped so much. however, when i got home from work that day, things went way downhill, and fast. by the end of the day, i felt the weight of the depression that had been creeping up on me all day. i had been praying and praying and praying all day, i needed to shake it off, but i just couldn't.

here's the deal with my depression. i haven't really dealt with it too much, or on the level that it used to be, for a few months now. God has turned my life completely around, and things were going so well. i absolutely love my life and i am so thankful for everything He has done. so basically when my depression started to fade and He brought me into this season, i hadn't figured out how the right way to cope with it, i hadn't figured out a healthy way to deal with it while it's there, and that is why i have been freaking out about it all day yesterday and today. that is why i've been begging God to take it away. i can't go back to that, i can't go back to how it was, yet i know no other way, i have no idea what works for me, and i don't want to trigger something that will make it worse. i am so scared of the power it has over me, because i know that it can be very strong. i experienced some of it last night, and if it gets worse, i know i'll just be sucked down again, and i can't let that happen.

this isn't to say i'm giving in, there is no way i am doing that. i am fighting against it as much as i can by praying, praying, praying... but i can't shake it completely, and i don't know what to do. i hate feeling it, but it's surrounding me and i just feel so helpless in it.

as i try to find my way through this mess, i would definitely appreciate and prayers or advice you may have. i know i really can't go back to the way it was, i absolutely cannot, and nothing in me wants to, but it's pulling on me so hard, and i don't know what to do.

xo, rn