December 21, 2016

this is my fight song

fight song

losing friends and i'm chasing sleep
everybody's worried about me
in too deep
say i'm in too deep

As much as I absolutely love Wisconsin, and Milwaukee, I have a feeling that this is not where I'm supposed to be, a feeling that the world holds a lot more for me than I'm giving it credit for, that, in the end, I can't fully be myself as long as I'm here. It's a sad kind of realization because I am very proud to be a Wisconsinite, I'm very proud of my little city of Milwaukee. It's so dear to me, but the truth is, I don't think this is where I'm meant to be at all.

It hit me this morning as I was listening to fight song. This song was one I listened to almost constantly over a year and a half ago when I was going through a lot of stuff. It was, without a doubt, the anthem of my life, and listening to it for the first time in that long, really listening to it, brought back literally everything and it made me think.
Listening to that song was extremely painful. It felt like someone pierced my heart with a sword and left it with a dull ache, but at the same time I had an odd sense of comfort, and the pain wasn't completely bad, there was a tinge of that pain that you almost like, that feels almost good. It hit hard, and left me thinking.

I've tried to make this work for so long, I've had everything and lost everything, and then lost my nothing, and then I lost even the nothingness. Most of the time I don't know where I am or who I am or why I am, and I know that no matter what boundaries I put up, either way the pain will remain, and the truth I found is that it's really just not meant to be. I don't have an option right now, but instead of thinking that I can make things work while I am here, I'm gonna change my mindset to think that when I get out of here, that's when my life will truly begin. It honestly doesn't surprise me and it makes a lot of sense. Too much has happened here. There are too many burdens here that I cannot bear for the rest of my life without living a depressive and overwhelmingly uncontrolled life. I am a free spirit, nomad, wanderlust, and vagabond (adj.) at heart, and I have to surpress so much of that with where I am right now. Being extremely loyal has its costs, too, and it takes such a toll on your life. 

I've started over, in a way, once already. I feel like that was the test to see if I could handle something like this, and I know I am fully capable of it. I've had desires to leave and start over for years now, and it all makes sense, and this morning I realized that, despite the fact that I have always imagined it to be, this is not my home and I can feel that ever so clearly now.
xo, rn
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