May 10, 2017

of anger + grace

lately lately lately lately lately

it's coming harder and faster and 
more than just occasionally
it hurts, i'm mad, i don't want to be
i hate it; i want it to leave
so i push it away; laugh at myself, and 
in doing so, only push the nail in deeper

anger is something i've never really struggled with hardcore. i'm a pretty sarcastic person, and growing up with eight siblings, you learn to grow a thick skin and to let things roll off your shoulder. that being said, there are still a few things that really get under that thick skin, things that hurt, sting, and then exude anger. i can't deny that it hasn't been happening more often lately, this year has been weird, and full of very unexpected challenges, and with that, i have found anger playing a bigger role in my life.

but i'm not here to tell you that that's all bad, i'm not here to tell you that feeling angry is wrong, or something you should feel badly about, because i don't believe it is. i actually feel the opposite, i believe that, in moderation, anger is good, but it also needs to be followed by grace, for everyone and everything involved within the situation.

i'm an avoider, i avoid conflict at all costs, and if that means repressing my anger, if that means hiding it under the surface and wearing the 'it's all fine' mask, i will do that, and i have been able to see how many negatives there are to avoiding the anger, or pushing it away. you see, feelings need to be felt, especially strong feelings, or feelings that keep reappearing; they are reappearing for a reason, and they aren't going to halt their existence until you work through them. This is why i believe that feeling that anger, and living in it in the moment is good.

feeling things isn't bad, it gets ugly when you take action on those feelings in a negative way. this is why you need to be careful, why it's important to take some time to work through those strong feelings, feel them hard, and then, after you've concluded which faults are yours and which are not, you show grace, to anyone or anything involved, but also to yourself. both sides are very important and you can't grow or move on without either. a lot of times anger comes from things that are only a miscommunication, and you don't or won't see that until you work through the situation or problem, and giving grace is easier when you see that maybe things weren't exactly as they seemed in the heat of the moment.

when it's all said and done, none of us are perfect, but there is some perfection in showing love, even when maybe it's not exactly what you want to be doing, even when you're a bit hurt and stung by what someone may have said or done to you. it's hard, especially when they seem clueless to the fact that they're hurting you in the first place, but working through that and being able to give grace in the form of forgiveness? there's beauty in that.

anger is important, feeling it is more important, working through it is the most important of the three, but giving grace is most important of all.

xx, rn

April 1, 2017

September 3rd 2016

september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016 september 3rd 2016
i usually do one of these posts every year for my birthday... this one, about a month after my half birthday, is a bit late, but i'm just now getting caught up on a whole ton of stuff anyway, so here goes nothing.

18, wow. this was the year i was going to take everything back, but isn't that just how this stuff always works? every birthday you felt the year before was lacking in that area, so this is the 'new year to take it back', and every time you seem to fail that, because you're human and plans don't ever go how you expect them to, or at least, that's how it has always been for me, and i've always learned the hard way.

18 was stretching to say the least. a lot happened that i didn't want to happen, but amongst the pain and the hurt, there was a lot of growth and a lot of good, and i can't and won't overlook that, and through it, i can say that 18 was a good year, but not a year i would want to relive all over again.

here is an exerpt of the one page journal entry i wrote on my birthday (this is actually the only thing i can find that i wrote on my birthday. i was travelling, but i was also going through a lot, there were a lot of emotions happening, and there was a lot of pushing away and even more prayer, and writing about my everyday life was not something i found easy, and it wasn't something that i really wanted to do during that time):

"my life is truly beginning, and God is the reason for why my life turned around. He is so faithful."
xo, rn

January 1, 2017

happy 2017

happy 2017

not really sure how it's 2017, but last night i found myself surrounded by some incredible people and getting more and more overwhelmed as the seconds on the countdown clock wore down. i was struck with how much i've changed, with the person i've become, and the massive amount of growth i see in myself.

2016 was not an easy year, and it's not the year i thought it would be. i started out with a much different vision, and it completely fell apart, but amidst that brokenness, i found both good and bad in myself, i found both healthy and unhealthy ways that i was living, and it all hit hard. i pushed it off for most of the year because everything was just too painful to attempt to deal with.

feeling the weight of how un-useful this year seemed to be was discouraging, but then i remembered the following,

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 a time to love and a time to hate,
 a time for war and a time for peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

this reminded me that, though it feels like i got nothing done, this was not a wasted year because i have learned so much, i have felt so much, and i have come so very far. without the experiences i had and the pain i was constantly trying to handle, i would not be where i am, and i can truly say that i am happy with the life i am living. i may have spent a whole year learning to love myself, but the fact remains, that i do love the life i am living, and the person i have become, and that seems pretty worth it to me.

i haven't had much time to really sit down and reflect, and it's something i always like to do, so i don't have many thoughts on that as of now. however, i do know that i am going into 2017 with a few goals and a completely different attitude on my life. i have learned that what you think your life will look like, is actually pretty dang inaccurate, you don't really have much control over what the future holds, but the awesome thing i learned this year is trust. this was such a year of trusting God, and through that, i found that everything is so much better.

so this year i have a few goals in mind and a blank slate. i don't know what it holds, and i don't need to know. i am going to work on those unhealthy ways i have been living, i am going to work on the bad that i found in myself. i know it won't be easy, but that's okay. challenges are so good for you. life goes on, despite everything, and its really best to just take one day at a time.
xo, rn