September 2, 2019

the one where i finally become legal, but also one year before i'm 'old'

2018, the year i turned 21. much anticipation, was also supposed to look so much different, but those dreams finally sailed, and new dreams were starting to come to fruition.
i really was at a pivotal point in my life, but i didn't really realize it, much like anyone who lives any bit of life understands. you can never really know what's coming next, but i just decided to let it go and let it roll as it would.

i spent my birthday half up north, tucked away in a cabin on the edge of Wisconsin and Minnesota, swinging away on a swing bed, waking up on my birthday to catch two fish, my only two fish of that year, then driving my beloved Ronan all the way home, immediately going to c's apartment, driving to the Journeyman hotel, checking into our room, drinking champagne while getting all dolled up, then spending my 21st getting bubbly drunk with all of my favourite people, changing into my second fancy birthday outfit of the night, and probably admitting way too many things, while tearfully telling them that if i were to get married soon, they would all be in my bridal party.

but i was smart and also booked a trip to canada for later in my birthday week...specifically calgary/banff, a place i had been dreaming of for years, and finally decided, 'ef it, i'm going', and went. i'd seen so many photos, had countless saved, my brain was spinning with ideas of things i wanted to do, and the sights i wanted to see. i couldn't wait to go, so that birthday weekend i packed my things all up and flew to canada.

i met up with someone i knew online but had never actually met in person: d, she was so kind and so welcoming. we talked a lot, explored calgary, and then headed to the mountains on the first full day. we're both the type of people to go, look, take photos, then leave. skip the hikes, we don't got time. it worked out perfectly because i was really only there for a weekend, and i wanted to see as much as i could in the little time i had there.

it was definitely a dreamy trip. canada did not disappoint. we took so many photos, we slept in the rental car two nights. or was it three? it was perfect. the weather was just that perfect fall feel; a little crisp, but still comfortable...and the smell, my gosh, it's straight from heaven, i swear. i wanted to bottle it up and take it home. i miss that beautiful piney smell more than most things, and i daydream of going back every day.

2018 was a very interesting year. not really bad, but not really great. it was a year of a lot of growth, leftover hurt, happy, beautiful times, buying a car and moving out of my parents house, new friends, finding the ones i could really count on, and realizing that i didn't have to allow my name to be continually dragged through the mud. that i didn't need a giant group of friends. that i didn't need to be around those who hurt me.
i left my church, took a long, much needed break that went into 2019, but was so necessary to cleanse the wrongness that those in the church had infiltrated my mind with, and to begin the journey to restoration in Christ.

xx, rn
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yes, you have a beautiful soul.