December 30, 2019

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the words for this post have been mulling around in my head for a few weeks now.
i couldn't decide on the tone. happy? sad? like? how can you just determine what a year was by a tone? there's so much that goes into a year. that's a lot of days to sum up under one tone, and i don't think either happy or sad would sum it up. i don't think any one word would sum it up.
like. honestly.

2019 wasn't a shit show. 2019 also wasn't a great year. it was neither and both at the same time. i'm not going to shout out my successes without also shouting out my failures, because that wouldn't be fair or right.

oh boy, 2019. you were. a lot. really, a lot.
on one hand, my business was so extremely successful this year. @rachelnicolephoto grew. we had an amazing and all around hugely good year. i stepped away from corporate america and went off on my own, so so seamlessly, and i'm so incredibly proud of what was accomplished this year on those grounds.

on the other hand, i was in multiple accidents, my poor, beloved ronan (my car guys) was such a trooper and made it through all of that, but not without many scars to show for it. i am, of course, grateful, at this point, to have made it through that. to still be here, but the damage it has left being mentally and emotionally is so much more than i expected it to be, and i will likely be working through that for life.

going back to the wins...i travelled a lot this year. i knocked multiple states off my "never before seen", as well as visited states i've been to / have many friends in. all in all, i am so blessed to be able to travel at my own will, and i try very hard not to take that for granted.

but at the same time, with so much to be happy and thankful for, my brain doesn't always take that hint, and to be completely raw and honest with you, this year was a very difficult year for my mental health. i struggled almost weekly, reaching dark points where i tried to self harm after being clean for 2 years. this felt so much more like a loss than many things in my life, and as much as i try to give myself grace for this especially, it still hurts that i fell that hard and that deeply, after thinking that was all behind me.
only a few weeks later i got the tattoo i've been wanting for 5 years, in response to that struggle, and in reference to my life testimony. sometimes that feels like a fraud because i know what my brain is capable of, and maybe, after all i'm not all that free this. (there's a lot of unpacking of this for a different post, however)

2019 wasn't a stellar year, but it was a year that I'm proud of still. i made it through, I've been made stronger, and i'm excited for what 2020 holds, in full knowledge that it has many opportunities for failures, as well as successes.

please be careful when reading these year end reviews. many people choose to remove failures because of shame, timidness, wanting to show a happy life, fear, and so many other reasons. no ones year has been perfect and only good. please please know that.
xx, rn
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yes, you have a beautiful soul.